About 25 years ago, I met someone who would play a crucial role in my Spiritual Awakening and development. I often referred to her (I'll call her "M") as my "spiritual" mother. I have spent more lives with her than with anyone else on this ball of dirt and in the majority of those shared lives, we usually took the roles of mother and son. It seemed to follow suit that for this, my final incarnation here, we would assume those roles one more time.
She was/is a lightsider. Over the years, we had countless friendly debates and discussions about metaphysics, Spirituality, and Truths that I now share, but I had much difficulty trying to get her to admit that I was correct about many of my observations/assessments. It takes a mature person to be open to listening to other viewpoints that may not be in line with theirs, let alone being able to admit that they might even be incorrect about their previously held views about the TRUE nature of "reality". No one likes to be told they're wrong or misinformed, but if a person can accept this with an open heart/mind, it allows them to escape the stagnation of where they were so they can progress further down their path.
"M" had been "circling the drain" for the past year and very recently kicked the bucket. I had always dreaded having to face the day when she would pass due to the spiritual intimacy we had shared over the past 25 years (and many lifetimes), so obviously I was devastated when I received the news.
After a couple days of sitting in the energy of the initial shock and accompanying sadness/grief surrounding her departure and having some deep discussions with my wife, I felt an enormous surge of emotion welling up from deep within my soul, but I sure as shit didn't expect it to be rage. The energetic intensity of it actually scared me. We're talking a rage akin to Krakatoa erupting.
Over the years, I've heard so many lightsiders preach about the importance of "letting go" of anger (especially "M"). Yes, there are valid reasons to do so as you really don't want to internalize it to the point where it invades your physical body and manifests into illness, but lightsiders are so polarized in their views and lack the perspective that can only be accessed from a more balanced framework. Lightsiders are usually quick to deny, dismiss, debate, suppress, battle, or condemn anything related to the dark polarity/negativity, therefore, they don't completely understand that although anger might be classified as a "negative" emotion, having it rise to the surface from time-to-time as you live your life is NOT necessarily a bad thing and their attempts at squashing the slightest upwelling of this emotion from the start is rather short-sighted.
I was the Firearms Instructor for my last department and I also spent a few years teaching Concealed Handgun/License to Carry classes to civilians. It was my job to instruct these individuals on how to shoot a handgun properly AND accurately. They learned how to: control their weapon and breathing, maintain focus on their target, and follow-through with their trigger pull (intent). If any of those were a off, even by a tiny bit, they would miss their target and/or experience a malfunction which would jam their gun and cause additional problems for them to work through.
Working with anger is no different. Without proper control, focus, and intent, it can (and usually will) fuck up other aspects of your life, but it can be used constructively when it surfaces if you know how to use it. And once you've done your part, you can then let it do the rest of the "heavy lifting" (dissolving/transmuting). I argued this point ad nauseam with "M" and eventually gave up once I recognized that she was incapable of grasping the concept due to her (well-hidden) ego and the fact that she felt she was at the pinnacle of her Spiritual Development.
So let's get back to the inevitable rage that was about to make everyone around me miserable. Why did my rage surpass the immense sadness and grief that I was already struggling with? Without going into details, I'll just say that her passing simultaneously aired her "dirty laundry" and these harsh truths (well-hidden lies, ulterior motives, subtle manipulations, and the well-hidden condescending view that she had of me) were thrust into my face.
She was NOT the person that I had believed her to be. It was all a façade. I had fallen for it because she had taken advantage of the inherent trust that accompanied our mother/son dynamic over many lifetimes. Had it not been for my amazing wife, I don't think I could have ever recognized the sheer magnitude of what she had done to me because she had masked it so well. Taking advantage of a person that trusts you implicitly and unconditionally automatically earns you the title of "Piece of Shit".
(This is another reason I can't stand lightsiders. They are capable of doing just as much damage as darksiders (usually more), but at least darksiders generally have no problem being upfront about who they are or what their agenda is with you. They may be awful individuals to deal with at times, but at least you'll know where they stand (a direct yang approach). Lightsiders usually love to take the indirect yin approach to mask their motives which, in my opinion, make those fuckers much more dangerous to deal with).
So in addition to dealing with the shock and grief from her passing, I was also now forced to deal with all of the harsh truths she chose to dump on my spiritual "front porch" as her parting gift to me as well as an unbelievable influx of anger that seemed to have no end in sight. Fuck me, right?
Considering the depth of our connection, all of this could have shattered my psyche and probably taken a year or more of intense self-work to recover from. Fuck that shit. I have a strong streak of impatience embedded within and when it comes out screaming at me, I am forced to find alternative ways to complete a task in the shortest amount of time possible.
I had to Do. The. Work. (and believe me - the work fucking sucks).
Think of it like this: Let's say someone dumped a bucket of horse shit over your head and a bathtub that was already filled to the brim with hot, soapy water (anger) and a ready-and-willing bathing attendant (focused anger) "magically" appeared in front of you. Would you waste your time and energy making the bathing attendant leave, draining the tub, and then attempting to clean yourself from scratch? Or does it just make more sense to use what is right there in front of you and save yourself a lot of time and energy?
So what exactly did you do to process all of this?
No different than using a magnifying glass to harness/focus sunlight into a condensed pinpoint to ignite a pile of brush, I instinctively chose to combine qigong (Zhan Zhuang - 5 postures), Taoist meditation/dissolving, and a couple personal shamanic tweaks into a 45-60 minute ass-beating session that I performed twice a day. I combined the qi that I generated and my intense rage into a potent energy that I focused onto the enormous amorphous "blob" of traumatic energy that I perceived was in and around all of my energetic bodies. Once the "fire" was going, it did much of the "heavy lifting", but I still had to maintain my concentration and make regular adjustments to my focus while simultaneously combining the additional qi and anger that was coming up. After each standing qigong session, I continued with some shamanic work to clean up anything residual from my connection with "M".
Four days later, I finally felt at peace with everything that had transpired. My focused energy burned through everything and then burned itself out much like any fire would after combusting any remaining fuel. I had never before attempted anything like that and my wife and I were both shocked at how little time it actually took to process and clean-up hundreds of lifetimes of being lied to, taken advantage of, and used in addition to the grief and sorrow of losing a Spiritual "parent".
To be very clear, there was nothing easy about this work.
Every. Single. One. of those sessions felt like I was raping myself.
I sure as shit didn't WANT to do it - I HAD TO. There was also a lot of secondary work/processing occurring during sleep as well, but that's to be expected when you're working through any type of traumatic event.
Can I do this even if I don't have any energy work training, meditation experience, or shamanic training?
Yes, but just know that the process will probably take much longer and you might have some difficulty sensing the energy blockages and energetic shifts. I'm not telling you this to discourage you, but I want you to have reasonable expectations and patience. Having any shamanic training, energy work training, meditation experience, or any/all of the above will be a big plus obviously.
Sometimes though, people surprise you by making up for what they lack in some areas with sheer determination and fortitude. I sincerely hope this is the case for anyone attempting this.
The process is simple, but NOT easy.
Drop into a trance/meditative state and focus on feeling your subtle energetic bodies.
Locate a trauma/energetic blockage you want to transmute/dissolve. It can feel like an amorphous blob and will continue to morph once you start step 4.
Focus on the anger revolving around the trauma you're working on and allow it to manifest to its full power. You will have to "go into it" to fully access it. (Be cautious here as you don't want to channel/focus it on any living creature, but merely "prime the pump" for the next step. If there isn't any associated anger with your trauma, you could try tapping into another source, but I have yet to try that to test the effectiveness, so your mileage may vary).
Focus your anger on "melting" the trauma/energetic blockage. (Think of it like pointing a hair dryer at a block of ice until it melts, then continue pointing the hair dryer at the water until it completely evaporates to a gas. With enough focused intensity, you can also sublimate this energy where it will transmute from a "solid" form directly to the "gas" form skipping the "liquid" form completely).
Take as long as you need for everything to settle before ending your session.
Things to keep in mind:
Don't expect to knock it all out in one session, especially if it's a rather large trauma.
The more recent/intense a trauma is, the greater chance that it will bring other traumas/energetic blockages to the surface.
You may not even be aware of what a particular trauma/blockage is from, but you don't need to consciously know. If you are aware of it, just know that it will be the last time you have to re-live it if you can see this process through to completion.
Be prepared for this process to release an assortment of thoughts, feelings, emotions, sensations, observations, and/or perspectives during and afterwards. Much like opening up an old box that's been tucked away in the back of your closet, you're probably going to find a lot more inside than you remember being in there.
You may very well feel shitty during and after the entire process until things finally settle.
Can't I just wait until I feel better before I attempt to dissolve my trauma?
Sure, but this makes things much harder in a different way. When a trauma is "fresh", it's far easier to work with. The more time that passes, the more the traumatic energy "hardens", eventually becoming an energetic blockage that has solidified into any combination or all of your energetic bodies. Think of it like being given a chunk of room-temperature clay and stepping inside a walk-in freezer. You can manipulate the clay much more easily if you start to work on it sooner rather than later. The longer you wait while you're in the freezer, the harder the clay gets until it eventually freezes and then it's going to be much more difficult to work with. What really makes this process such an ass-beating is forcing yourself to do the work while you're feeling so awful.
When a person suffers a serious shock/trauma, the Taoists consider it a gift because all of your other traumas (solidified energetic blockages) that you may have consciously/unconsciously "swept under the rug" start to reveal themselves and resonate/connect with the new trauma. This is because the energetic frequency of traumas in general is the same (like attracts like). You are then given the opportunity to dissolve ALL (or most) of those past traumas at once rather than trying to tackle them one at a time. As I said earlier, simple, but NOT easy.
Think of it this way - would you rather have 100 piles of leaves, branches, and brush (traumas/energetic blockages) scattered across your yard (energetic bodies) and being tasked with burning them (dissolving/transmuting the energy) one-by-one OR would it be far easier if they were all magically clumped into one big-ass pile for you to burn?
Is this the same thing as being angry and going to the gym or hitting a punching bag to get your frustrations out?
Sort of, but the difference here is that going to the gym to channel your anger into the physical realm is wasting the energy infused within that emotion. Once you've depleted that energy, then you're still left with the trauma/event that made you angry in the first place. This process channels the energy into the very thing that caused it leaving you free of the trauma/event and free of the anger associated with it. As is often the case, the solution is found within the problem itself. Win-win.
By harnessing and focusing my anger, not only did I kill (process/release) three birds with one stone (my grief, the shock of discovering her betrayal and ulterior motives, and all associated anger), but I also exponentially reduced the time I would have spent clearing all of those separately while simultaneously conserving my "normal" energy.
How are you feeling today considering were recently "devastated" from her passing?
Fucking fantastic! The neutrality I feel when I think about her still surprises me considering the previous depth of our connection. I've fully accepted/integrated the harsh truths and not only am I free of the rage/anger that basically possessed me, but I'm also devoid of any sadness or grief from her passing. Thoughts of her or her passing do not stir ANY emotion, no different than I would feel if a complete stranger died.
This entire experience demonstrates that "negative" emotions/energies, such as anger, can serve a very useful purpose if a person knows how to properly utilize it.
My results were obviously extraordinary and I strongly feel that in addition to my unique background and training, the fact that I no longer have those 7 chakras and that my dantians are linked helped to further contain, control, and boost my qi while drastically expediting the process, but as stated above, I know that someone reading this that may be lacking in some areas will be able to accomplish the same thing with enough perseverance. We'd love to hear from you if you succeed!
In the next part of this series, I will address how Pain can be used to do the same thing.
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